#RelationshipGoals : Me & Candy

"For the first ten years of my life I think the only clear thought I had was "get candy."

-Jerry Seinfeld

I want to start by telling you that I have been publicly shamed for eating too much candy. A friend of mine had a candy dish home, and as a young child I did not understand that candy dish candy was not really meant to be eaten or enjoyed. It is simply part of the decor, a small player in the overall ambiance of a room. 

This candy dish family had a jewelry, candle or some other pyramid scheme party and the mother exclaimed in front of several children and parents that they "cannot have candy out around Audrey." 

I am fine now. I have grown to accept that as an 8 year old, there was no way for me to know I was not supposed to eat 8 Hershey’s Hugs from the crystal canister. But this did affect my candy self-esteem and relationship with sweet treats for years to come. 

Today, I manage my relationship with candy. I rarely make specific trips to buy candy, unless heading to a movie. ("I only smoke when I drink.") I can go ham if it's in front of me, but I don't buy with the intention of going ham. There was a time in my life where I always had Gobstoppers on deck and peanut butter M&Ms were the lining of my purse. I once broke every Butterfinger at Sports Authority in half when my mom told me I couldn't get one. 

I still favor toffee related candies, caramel situations, and anything with sea salt. On road trips I like Skittles or other fruity candies. 

My mom liked Red Hots and I would pretend I did too. My brother could eat Warheads by the dozen and not flinch, but I would put them under the faucet until all the sour was gone. Ben Franklin's Craft store was a religious experience. I can still feel the weight of the plastic bag full of candy in my hand. 

There is no better feeling than the weight of a bulk of candy. It feels similar to holding a newborn child or an infant chimp. There is no better pain than the pain a Sour Patch Kids binge leaves on your tongue. There is no worse sound than the final Milk Dud knocking around the box. I've seen films for only the candy and I've gone to birthday parties for only the loot bag. I've given extra points on teacher evaluations because they gave out boxes of Nerds. I've taken away points because they gave out Tootsie Rolls. I'm a flawed person. Candy was my first drug and I'm ready to talk about it. 

Audrey Hasse aka “Auddawg” loves reality TV and she always dresses really cool. Follow her on Twitter for her thoughts on life, love, and the pursuit of Marc by Marc Jacobs. For Halloween she is going to be a glamorous Ram and she’s going to look great!! Shop her candy picks below:

Halloween In The Workplace

It’s that time of year again; Rhonda is stringing that cotton-ball spider-webby stuff all over the front desk at work, Mark from accounting is bitching about his kids eating too much sugar and the new receptionist, Michelle, wants to do something ‘fun’ for the whole office this Halloween. A dilemma as old as time:  how to Halloween in a professional setting.  

Do I go all out with a costume? Is there a contest and whoever wins gets the coveted, yet elusive, Halloween Bonus? A thousand times, yes. Do you have a client meeting or important presentation? Pass. 

Do I go understated and chill? Can I wear a funky hat and/or shirt and call it good? Can I just bring candy and leave it in a bowl in the conference room? Use your best judgment. If you’ve established yourself as the chill/funky/cool one in the office, then yeah, dress down and surprise everyone with, like a spooky homemade treat or something good. You’ll be the equivalent of the rich house in the neighborhood that always gave out king sized candy bars. 

What is appropriate? We’re all semi-adults here; so again, use your best judgment! Your super well thought out Gayberham Lincoln getup is better suited for pretty much anywhere else.

Will HR be in the office that day? Yes? Probably best to save the sexy authority figure costume for happy hour. 

Is everybody else dressing up? Put out some feelers at the water cooler or whatever the 2015 equivalent is for that. Worst case scenario, just text whichever coworker you’re closest to the night before and pull an “if you will, I will.”

What if this is a prank because I’m new and nobody is actually dressing up and I’m going to look like an idiot and everyone will make fun of me? If you have a feeling that you’re being duped by the office prankster (I’m lookin at u, Julie), just refer to the “understated and chill” thought. Next year there will be new prey and nobody will even remember that you showed up in a handmade cabaret costume and full stage makeup.

Are we going to be forced to take a group picture with everyone in the office? This is almost guaranteed. :/ 

Do I have to dress up as something different than what I already have planned for my friends costume party this weekend or can I just modify it for work? If it can be tweaked and you’re the type that has no problem repeating outfits, go for it. Besides, we all know it only matters if the group photo from work is going to be posted on social media. Even if it is, you can always untag yourself so it doesn’t steal your thunder that weekend!

Should I show up in normal clothes but bring costume options in a bag, just in case? Live on the edge! Trust your gut! Just puh-leeeze don’t show up in your regular work clothes and when a coworker asks where your costume is you say “I’m a (whatever your job title is).” That’s SO lame and SUCH a college sophomore boy thing to do.

If all else fails just wear jeans, a leather jacket, and some butt'ns. sure Sandy & Danny from Grease are TOTALLY played out, but it’s a classic and least you’ll get credit for joining in on the fun, unlike that crank, Mark, from accounting. 

Kelsy O’Neill is Julie's roommate and also a writer.

She likes black olives on her pizza. She’s thinking about trying acid wash jeans. Do you think she should? Tweet her to give her your opinion on the matter. 

My date with the Brendans scarabs

Had just seen that movie the mummy and it was good and scary with bredan fraser, yeah sure. But little boy me had a nightmare about the supporting stars in that movie, the scarab beetles. The beetles could swarm and engulf all your body and also get up under your skin and crawl around your arms and brain so I woke up and I was completely spooked! Look it up they are scary.

Anyway. I woke up in my bedroom with my los angeles dodgers comforter on top a me. My room was dark at night and I assumed the whole house was all dark. I was accurate in my prognosis. I tip toed to go get my mom from my parents bedroom to stay in my bed with me. A good ole fashion “you up?” I was innocent. Just wanted to not be scared to fall back asleep. Wanted my mom. But here is the first twist of the story, she wasn’t in her bed with my dad. Odd but not that odd. I coulda woke my dad up to keep me company from the Frasier scarabs but 1 he is a naked sleeper and 2 when I would wake him up in the night, his getting waked up face is really scary because he himself is startled. His eyes get big

So I am tipping and toein still but im doing it down the hallway now, the hallway is also dark. Except a lil shadows cast by the lone streetlight outside.  The shadows on the gray carpet floor of the hallway are starting to look like Hungry Hungry ScarabsTM. I journey through the darkness, past the bathroom, past the computer room, heading to my sisters room. My thought process is that maybe mom is in there and just fell asleep reading Amelia Bedelia to my sister, who was a mom-hog. I popped my head in there. I saw my sister sleeping there prob with her thumb in her slobbery face, but again, it was very dark so I couldn’t tell if mom was sleepin in the bed with her or if it was just bunched up blankets next to my sister. I did not see my mom’s head and her glowing hair that is so pretty. So I figured it was just bunched up blankets.

So. I. am. Starting. To get. Nervous.  Where is mom? Am I too late? Where are you? Mom?

 Let me say that I am no longer tip toeing okay my feet are full on the floor and bounding down the hallway. Thumpin and scared lil boy feet.

I run back to my parents room to see if I just missed her the first time in there. No I did not. Shes gone. And at this point my parents bedroom carpet which looks a darker maroon than the hallway gray, is starting to move and morph in to thousands of mummy scarab beetles. But they prob ate my mother so they are actually mommy beetles. Lunch money? More like lunch mommy!1 thanks Frasier.

I cant go anywhere for safety. Just run up and down our hallway, clunking into the walls. At one point scraping my hand on the laundry chute that at once was a cool thing to throw action figures down. Now it just another orifice in my house where armored scarabs can come out. I believe the scarabs were going to get me. They were everywhere. I started screaming. Not even looking for mom anymore. I am simply slipping back in to a nightmare; down the toilet bowl that is madness (i did not actually go in to the hallway bathroom).

This carried on for what seemed like three minutes but was prob more like two minute. Shrieking not for help but shrieking in realization of my own mortality and imminent being munched on by beetle bugs. Screaming. screams. loud. Until on one of my laps of terror down the hallway, I turned around and smack dab in to my dad’s hairy belly. he had heard my cries. My only personal Brendan f. I kept crying. But he calmed me. He had underwear on. Maybe he took the time to put them on before he rescued his screaming son. Or maybe for some reason, that night, for some maybe not so random reason, he just fell asleep with his underwear still on. And saved his sons life. With underwear on.

When the dust and blood had settled, mom was alive the whole time. flesh and all. Turned out to be in the bunched up blankets on my sisters gratuitously comfortable and luxurious flower bed fluffy blankets. The last thing I remember is seeing her walk out wondering what exactly was going on in this hallway of hers. I think someone probab turned the lights on to assure that no beetles had invaded.  whatever did happen next, I’m sure my parents were happy to help and I was no bother to them. I am their baby. it is their job.

That was a scary time in my life. i do not think that I peed either my bed that night

happy holidays,

Jack Klipsch

 

sent from my Microsoft word document

Jack Klipsch is funny boy. He likes to listen to “Hot Fuss” by the band The Killers.   When he is not cracking jokes in real life, he can be found on the internet in the upcoming World Wide Web series,  “All the Bosses”  and on the popular podcast,  “CELEBDAY."      Also he is on  Twitter . 

Jack Klipsch is funny boy. He likes to listen to “Hot Fuss” by the band The Killers. When he is not cracking jokes in real life, he can be found on the internet in the upcoming World Wide Web series, “All the Bosses” and on the popular podcast, “CELEBDAY." 

Also he is on Twitter